They Are Not Alone

Four years ago, Nav Dhaliwal’s life changed as she worked in home health care, specializing in hospice and dementia care. One day, opportunity came knocking when Domestic Violence Services of Snohomish County (DVS) realized her background could help her empathize with clients.

Now Dhaliwal – the nonprofit’s lead transitional/rapid rehousing case manager – helps domestic violence survivors find safe housing. She’s making a difference in the lives of families who often come to DVS during one of the worst times of their lives. It took a long time to be able to share a deeply personal story of surviving domestic violence. Today, she speaks freely about the history in her immediate family to show others they’re not alone.

“I was abused as a child. But the thing is, when you’re young, no one tells you what’s normal. There’s no handbook for discerning love from harm, especially when you grow up surrounded by others who carry similar wounds, whose bruises are brushed off as discipline, whose tears are swallowed before they hit air.”

Before her career change, Dhaliwal remembers talking in passing with people and relating to what they were going through. “I felt like if I could share my story and aid survivors, they wouldn’t feel so alone. Unfortunately, during my upbringing and my personal relationships, I didn’t know that resources were available, and I wonder how that would have changed my own history.” 

Coming from an Asian family, Dhaliwal said she was taught to be gentle and pleasing. Stepping out of line wasn’t just defiance – it was shame, the kind that stains generations. When she left home as an adult, Dhaliwal carried the trauma of her childhood into her 20s.

“I entered rooms that felt familiar in their volatility, where the raised voices and withheld affections echoed everything I thought I’d outgrown. It took a moment of quiet despair. No big explosion, no rescue. Just stillness. Reflection. And the realization – I get to decide who has access to me.”

Dhaliwal started to choose peace over approval, silence over reaction. She stopped responding to apologies that morphed into blame. She let the phone ring. She let people go.

Healing wasn’t linear for Dhaliwal. She describes it as a spiral with each turn bringing up some new ache to soothe.

“But with each boundary I’ve set, I’ve come closer to myself. I understand now. The forgiveness I needed wasn’t theirs to give. It was mine to forgive myself for surviving the only way I knew how – to release the generational guilt I never consented to carry, and to rewrite the story so it ends with choice, with advocacy, with love that is safe. Today, I show up for myself. And I show up for others so that they too may feel held, safe, and powerful in this world.”

Asking questions

Dhaliwal’s clients may be fleeing a life-threatening situation at home. The abuse might not be physical, but just as damaging – emotional, verbal, or financial. Many domestic violence survivors are also concerned about their children’s well-being. Whatever their motivation for reaching out to DVS, Dhaliwal is there to help, to empathize, and to listen.

DVS is a private, nonprofit organization providing emergency shelter and comprehensive, confidential services to victims of domestic abuse in Snohomish County since 1976. The only program of its type in the county offers a support line, legal advocacy services, confidential shelter, housing, and support groups. The state and federal government fund DVS; its housing programs are run through the Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Dhaliwal’s clients are either referred to her by the DVS community navigator or through the organization’s support line. They may be in imminent danger or still living with their abuser without a safe place to go.

When she meets with new clients, one of the first questions Dhaliwal asks is about their safety.

Some people may move to one of DVS’s four confidential transitional units; others remain in their current housing situation until Dhaliwal finds them other housing arrangements. The decision is based on the client’s needs.

Since Dhaliwal has talked to her colleagues about her clients before they meet, she already has an idea of their background and circumstances. “Unless they’re more forthcoming, I find that it can be kind of repetitive and harmful to have them continue to repeat their trauma. So, we just try to come up with an action plan.”

To encourage her clients to start thinking, she asks them about what the three most pressing issues they are facing in order to be housed.

Moving into a new place is a stressful time; Dhaliwal recognizes that her clients might need a day or two to decompress. “For many of them, this is probably the first time they’ve had peaceful sleep in years.”

Dhaliwal assists clients who may need help with the very basics of securing a new place to live. Some may not have leased before and need to learn about the rental process. Others are taking the first tentative steps to independence and self-sufficiency. They may not have been allowed to work, drive a car, or spend their own money.

They need assistance in budgeting and reconnecting with the community. Some clients are already employed but want to find a better job. Depending on their needs, DVS offers employment assistance or refers clients to other agencies in the community.

A good listener

After checking her email and appointments for the day, Dhaliwal might visit a client in one of DVS’s transitional units before heading into the office. She usually sees two or three clients a day out of the 14 cases she handles each month. “It’s a lot of touching base with landlords, checking in with clients, just making sure that everything is going smoothly, and more often than not, I find myself just having long conversations with my clients about their progress because often they’re so isolated that they don’t have anyone to sit down and speak with when they get some time.”

Dhaliwal added that it’s important to allow clients to share their progress and their concerns; part of her job is to find resources to help them address those concerns. Having good problem-solving skills is essential, as many clients come in with high barriers to housing, such as employment issues, past-due rent, or evictions due to financial abuse. “We try to provide support to and advocate for clients. It’s a mixture of talking to the property manager and ensuring that clients have access to resources when they become resilient and self-sufficient.”

DVS’s transitional housing units are furnished with new dishes, toiletries, and other household items. Dhaliwal might drop by with an extra package of diapers during a visit. “If you had to leave all your belongings behind, you would come into a space that was prepared for you. Aside from our furniture, they get to take all of those things with them to their new home, which also alleviates having those move-in costs, those expenses we don’t think about when we rent a new home.”

The DVS housing program lasts up to a year. Some clients’ employment improves, so they exit the program based on income limits. Other families stay for the full year. DVS provides another six months of case management after a year; even if it is not assisting with the financial rental subsidy, the organization provides clients with resources. “We understand that the transition to independent living can be difficult, and we want them to maintain housing stability,” Dhaliwal said.

Though DVS offers different services, housing is its main emphasis. “You need to get the clients out of dangerous situations. The concerning thing is that sometimes clients feel like they cannot afford to live on their own; they will keep themselves in these cycles and jeopardize their own safety, just for a stable home or stable shelter.”

High turnover

It comes as no surprise that working with domestic violence survivors is a stressful occupation. Dhaliwal said that people might come in to the job with the best of intentions, but find they are not able to cope with the inevitable challenges. “It’s not for the weak. We tend to have a high turnover. It really is a high-needs job. You have to be able to compartmentalize – leave your work and not take that home with you. And it can be difficult, especially when meeting people in crisis. You try to remain as calm as you can. But some of the cases are devastating. So, it’s hard to be compassionate, and then separate yourself, and it can be overwhelming for some people.”

DVS offers training and support for employees. Dhaliwal won’t hesitate to take an extended break if she’s feeling overwhelmed. It’s OK for her to ask if she can take a long lunch or have a co-worker step in and take a meeting with a client.

Dhaliwal has a Monday through Friday work schedule, but certain cases will push her workday into the evening or weekend. “There are so many variables that come up in a year, whether they’re in our transitional unit or their own apartment. When you’re coming in crisis, and something happens, and you don’t have control or the skills yet to address it, it will feel immediate, and you need that attention. So, if I can provide it, I will.”

Unwinding

The first thing Dhaliwal typically does after arriving home is to pet her dog. She might prepare and eat some comfort food, read, or watch TV. She finds that having non-work conversations with friends also helps her unwind. Even after four years at DVS, she still has to remind herself not to bring her work into her home life. “There are some weeks where I need to reassess that – where I need to go back to my core components of separating that work.”

DVS’s training is helpful, but until someone has lived that experience and engaged with clients, they don’t know what is going to affect them. “Sometimes, it’ll blindside you.” But by becoming healthier emotionally and mentally, she said she is better able to support her clients.

The best part of the job

If there is one overriding principle with her job, it’s a singular focus on the client.

Unbiased compassion is an essential job skill, she said. “We all have our lived experiences and implicit bias for how things should go, our perceptions of scenarios. But they are not our lived experiences. They’re not our stories. It’s letting the survivors share their stories, affording them the space to guide their journey.” And those journeys can have positive endings. Dhaliwal wouldn’t cite the details of specific cases due to confidentiality requirements. “I find every case rewarding.”

Her favorite part of the job is sitting down with a client at their last meeting and giving them their graduation paperwork. “They’ve completed the program, and that realization that hits them when they look back on their progress from day one to just how terrified they were when they were going through the day-to-day – they don’t notice that progress. Sitting back and recounting all of that is really satisfying. You can just see them light up because they don’t always notice it.”